Thursday, 26 December 2013

Puss & Her on Christmas Day

Christmas Day. Family are unwrapping presents by the fireside. Grancha plays with a bucks fizz swilling it by the stem from his usual armchair, Granny is on the sofa with hands folded on knees, Dad is sat on the floor waiting patiently, and Puss looks inconspicuously about the room from her perch on the windowsill. Outside are gale-force winds.

Dad gets up and hands a parcel to Granny

Dad: (Reading aloud) “To Granny love from Rimi”

Granny: Oh my

Puss: Are you ready for this?

Granny: I wonder what it could be

Rimi: Don’t get too excited

Granny: Oh and so beautifully wrapped. You're good at wrapping aren’t you?

Puss: Hear that?

Rimi: Sort of

Granny: (Excitement) Oh! Darling! I love it

Rimi: Really?

Granny: Yes! I love torches


Granny: Did you know that? I love torches

Rimi: No I didn’t

Granny: I love how they shine

Puss: Unbelievable

Rimi: I just thought it would be nice to keep it in your handbag

Granny: Grancha look at that a new torch

Grancha: Ooh yes

Granny turns the torch on and off and on and off again to prove a point

Grancha: And it’s one of those new torches

Granny: Yes very bright

Dad: LEDs. Do you know what they stand for?

Rimi: Light emitting diodes

Dad: Quite right. Whose turn is it next to get a present?

Granny: Mine. Oh I am pleased with that torch, thank you my darling

Rimi: No, really it’s not… alright I’m glad you liked it

Granny stands and hands Grancha a parcel

Granny: (Reading aloud) “To Dad with love”. I think it's from our son

Dad: (Beaming) I spent a long time looking online for this so I hope you like it

Grancha: I’m sure I will, sure I will

Puss: Careful the old man’s about to spill his drink

Rimi: Let me take your glass

Grancha: Noo, I can manage. I’ll place it up here out the way

A length of time elapses whilst Grancha works to open his present. Once open more time elapses before any recognition is passed on the present in hand. Everyone sits and waits and looks on, Puss meanwhile looks appalled


Grancha: A block of wood


Dad: No, look more carefully

Grancha: I am looking. It’s a block of wood. Thank you very kind

Dad: (Disgruntled) It’s not just a block of wood, it has a function

Granny: Is it a firelighter?

Dad: No. It’s a book stop

Grancha: Ah. Thank you nonetheless it’s the thought that counts

Dad: It has your initials on it

Grancha: Does it?

Dad: Right here: ‘CGBS’

Grancha: What’s the ‘B’ stand for?

Short pause

Dad: Benjamin, one of your middle names

Grancha: I don’t think that’s one of my middle names

Granny: Neither do I

Dad: It sure to hell is

Rimi: I think Grancha might know his own name here

Dad: Fine fine wrong again

Grancha: I don't have a middle name!

Granny: Yes you do darling

Grancha: No I don’t

Dad: Yes you do dad

Granny: It’s Granville

Grancha: Yes it is. Quite right I do have a middle name. Ach bugger! (Grancha spills his drink)

Puss: Told you that would happen

Rimi: I’ll get it

Puss jumps off the window sill and Rimi follows her out of the living room to get a dishcloth