Christmas Day. Family are unwrapping presents by the fireside. Grancha plays with a bucks fizz swilling it by the stem from his usual armchair, Granny is on the sofa with hands folded on knees, Dad is sat on the floor waiting patiently, and Puss looks inconspicuously about the room from her perch on the windowsill. Outside are gale-force winds.
Dad gets up and hands a parcel to Granny
Dad: (Reading aloud) “To Granny love from Rimi”
Granny: Oh my
Puss: Are you ready for this?
Granny: I wonder what it could be
Rimi: Don’t get too excited
Granny: Oh and so beautifully wrapped. You're good at wrapping aren’t you?
Puss: Hear that?
Rimi: Sort of
Granny: (Excitement) Oh! Darling! I love it
Granny: Yes! I love torches
Granny: Did you know that? I love torches
Rimi: No I didn’t
Granny: I love how they shine
Rimi: I just thought it would be nice to keep it in your handbag
Granny: Grancha look at that a new torch
Grancha: Ooh yes
Granny turns the torch on and off and on and off again to prove a point
Grancha: And it’s one of those new torches
Granny: Yes very bright
Dad: LEDs. Do you know what they stand for?
Rimi: Light emitting diodes
Dad: Quite right. Whose turn is it next to get a present?
Granny: Mine. Oh I am pleased with that torch, thank you my darling
Rimi: No, really it’s not… alright I’m glad you liked it
Granny stands and hands Grancha a parcel
Granny: (Reading aloud) “To Dad with love”. I think it's from our son
Dad: (Beaming) I spent a long time looking online for this so I hope you like it
Grancha: I’m sure I will, sure I will
Puss: Careful the old man’s about to spill his drink
Rimi: Let me take your glass
Grancha: Noo, I can manage. I’ll place it up here out the way
A length of time elapses whilst Grancha works to open his present. Once open more time elapses before any recognition is passed on the present in hand. Everyone sits and waits and looks on, Puss meanwhile looks appalled
Grancha: A block of wood
Dad: No, look more carefully
Grancha: I am looking. It’s a block of wood. Thank you very kind
Dad: (Disgruntled) It’s not just a block of wood, it has a function
Granny: Is it a firelighter?
Dad: No. It’s a book stop
Grancha: Ah. Thank you nonetheless it’s the thought that counts
Dad: It has your initials on it
Grancha: Does it?
Dad: Right here: ‘CGBS’
Grancha: What’s the ‘B’ stand for?
Dad: Benjamin, one of your middle names
Grancha: I don’t think that’s one of my middle names
Granny: Neither do I
Dad: It sure to hell is
Rimi: I think Grancha might know his own name here
Dad: Fine fine wrong again
Grancha: I don't have a middle name!
Granny: Yes you do darling
Grancha: No I don’t
Dad: Yes you do dad
Granny: It’s Granville
Grancha: Yes it is. Quite right I do have a middle name. Ach bugger! (Grancha spills his drink)
Puss: Told you that would happen
Rimi: I’ll get it
Puss jumps off the window sill and Rimi follows her out of the living room to get a dishcloth