Therapist: How are you feeling this morning?
Patient: Good. I woke up laughing.
Therapist: That’s interesting.
Patient: I didn’t. I woke up tired.
Therapist: Try and take this seriously Mr. Green. These sessions are being paid for by your family.
Therapist: To begin with, please settle on the couch and make yourself comfortable. Relax and tell me exactly what happens when you wake up.
Patient: Which time?
Therapist: I’m sorry?
Patient: Which time I wake up, I mean I can’t tell you what exactly happens every time I wake up because every time it’s different, you see my point miss?
Therapist: Yes I do. Tell me about what happened this morning when you awoke. Be as detailed or a vague as you want. Please lie down and relax.
Lying back on the couch the patient extends and bends his left elbow lankily placing the arm over his face to block out the light. The therapist notes everything quietly and efficiently on her ipad.
Patient: ‘I’m sorry have we met?’ A man in a hat - it’s got a brim and looks like it’s been crushed talks into my ear whilst I’m on a rowing machine and tries to explain desperately the contents of water. Bershka the shop. Talking about the deconstruction of a joke: three guys sat in a diner talking about a wiener or some sort of sausage and everyone clapping at how good the joke was.
Patient: The audience.
Therapist: I see. Please continue.
Patient: Not knowing where to meet on the street, yeah, being late being late for something having to walk somewhere on the street but not knowing where you have to be. Wanting water but being too tired to get up and get it. Being thirsty in the rain.
Therapist: Mr. Green can I stop you there for the time being but stay exactly where you are.
In the interim the therapist notes frantically but silently on her ipad and the patient’s shoe, which is a worn out moccasin, is about to slip off the end of his foot because he has been playing with it whilst lying down covering his face.
Therapist: Are these the thoughts you have when you wake up? Those you have just reeled off to me that is.
Patient: I don’t know what they are. Those thoughts they remain for a while all floating around when you wake up, you know ‘free forms’, unconnected bits of stuff. Then they start connecting with each other and the ‘shit’ the pieces of shit which don’t make any sense (in the light of reality) start to disappear and melt away, you know dissolve, because they weren’t realistic. Then things start to make sense very quickly and you realise you’re not late. That you can be thirsty in the rain, the two aren’t really connected, sure you could open your mouth and eat the rain but it probably won’t quench your thirst. And I strive really hard to remember that joke those guys made in the diner but you can’t and then maybe you remember something but it’s gone. But maybe... ‘whatever you like I probably don’t’. I think I dreamt that up as being somebody’s arsehole twitter tagline, ‘whatever you like I probably don’t’ or on whatsapp. Or ‘I’m perfectly fine stop asking’, that was another one. You know shit like that.
Therapist: I think we’ll wrap it up there Mr. Green you’re session has to come to an end.
Patient: Sure. Call me Adam.