I am not sure why I care and I am not sure why I write. But it’s for me. That’s all I know. Is it selfish to want to understand and think out loud, albeit on paper about life’s conundrums just to sort myself out? Unsure. TBC.
I inquisitively asked, ‘Have you ever felt it where you think something’s amiss or about to change but you’re not sure where or how. Like an internal weather vane has moved in direction?’
He replied, ‘I’ve had it where I set myself up for a change. When I know that I have to prepare myself for a change that’s coming soon, but I’ll usually know what that change is. But I guess that’s not what you're talking about.’
‘No. This is more a premonition. It could just be the change of seasons.’
‘It could be. But what you're talking about is more of a sixth sense sort of thing?’
I also know that in our twenties, our youth, it’s sort of difficult. You’ve suffered or are suffering an existential crisis, yes sometimes brought on by a hangover but sometimes brought on by an event. A happening that was out of your control that you didn’t forsee or couldn’t have predicted. That’s when you start to doubt who you are and try to grab hold of markers in your life which act as anchors. We need anchors otherwise we may just float away.
Who you are is what you consume, first of all. The music, the habits, the friendships, the nights you go to, the food you eat (being a vegetarian can be an ethical dilemma for some), what way you vote, who you fuck, what you watch, where you go for your runs, what tube lines you use, what channels you browse, and so on. Everything makes up you, and everything you consume constitutes a choice. You may think there was no decision involved in what tube you took but there has to be somewhere along the line, like when you made those plans that meant you had to take the Central line. A happening is always preceded by a decision, wouldn’t you say?
Unless that happening is brought on by an external force, like an earthquake or a shoot-out, then you’re just caught in the midst of it and your decisions will be based on the way you react not in the way you want things to turn out. So, this is why in points of crisis your actions are infallible. And your actions constitute YOU. That is who you are. That’s when post-reaction the self-doubt begins to creep in and takes over you and makes you question who you are, which leads you to the existential crisis that is so prone to kids of our generation. Maybe it’s because we haven’t got people around us telling us what to do. This authoritarian state of existence is yes restrictive but also calmative. Like if you were set on a god talking on your behalf, because we are just flesh and out there exists an eternal truth and we believe it, then you won’t have to feel the Doubt. That inevitable doubt about whether you did the right thing for the right reasons.
Why do we even care?
Because we’re human and we believe in self-improvement and empathy and we’re clever and our brains function not just in “cause and effect modes” but also in different resolutions for picturing life and we have an imagination and all sorts of things confront us and we make do with what we have and live mortal lives. That’s why we care. It’s alright because in the end that’s who we are.