Monday, 3 March 2014

Down in the Dumps



Dumpee: I could go in to a big fat shouting match right now.

Dumper: Why don’t you?

Dumpee: Because I want to be the better person.

Dumper: You think I’m a dick.

Dumpee: Yes I think you're a massive dick.

Dumper: That’s just not fair.

Dumpee: Life’s unfair. I think you're smart but actually you can't be because if you were you would totally see that you are being a massive prick right now.

Dumper: I just want to hang out with you.

Dumpee: Why the fuck would you want to hang out with me?

Dumper: Because I like you.

Dumpee: After you dumped me?

Dumper: I didn’t dump you I broke it off before we were going out.

Dumpee: Same fucking thing.

Intake of breath

Start of inner monologue: Why do I feel like I am talking to a fish or something that’s not really supposed to be here. The truth of the matter is I am publicly willing to humiliate myself by saying this out in the open: I got dumped. That’s when the person you like tells you they don’t feel the same way about you and therefore it’s over. And no one feels good after they’ve been dumped, right? Of course not. So why would the dumpers want to hang out with the dumpees post-break-up? I think I’ve distilled the reasons down to two:

1.     They want to feel better about themselves.
2.     They want to end up in bed with you again.

Dumper: I just want us to be friends.

Dumpee: Don’t give me that bullshit of course I can’t just “be your friend”. Why would you want to be my friend?

Dumper: Because I think you're interesting and I don't want to lose you completely from my life.

Inner monologue: You know what the best form is to not lose someone from your life. I would say it’s to not sleep with them and then reject them. Because that’s unkind. And one day I will stop caring about this blip of a relationship because in the end life is pretty long and you’ll see/do/think a thousand things between now and your next shower but right now, right at this moment, I want to set fire to a sofa or smash a glass or something so you’ll stop talking to me. I know I’m just silently sitting here whilst you announce all of these idealistic wants:

Dumper: We could just hang out once a month.

And I can’t help it that my chest hurts and my eyes water. Because people feel break-ups in different ways and being someone who has an inner monologue as opposed to an outer one, there are so many things you want to say but can't and never will. Not even on paper, not even here. It’s stupid. It’s pointless. It’s a lost cause.

Dumper: I’m going to leave now.

Dumpee: OK.

Dumper: Bye.