Two Old Men on the Bus

I ran to catch the bus with a suitcase, scraping it on the automatic doors as they swung shut on me. The bus driver looked non-plussed.

An old man is sat by the window in the priority seat, looking out. Heavy-set in a khaki utility jacket, with a fake Royal Air Force patch sewn on to the arm. Headphones in, thick optical glasses, hairy jowls and a drooping face, like a walrus.

The bus pulls in.

A new old man boards the bus. He looks like a thumb, the end of a starfish. Wide smile and making conversation with the driver, unsuccessfully. He sits by the walrus, who takes no notice of him. This new old man’s face is round and soft from all the dopey warmth he emits. He wears a flat-cap, which he doffs and places on his lap.

‘Is warm today.’

‘What?’ The jowly old man pulls out his earphones and glances at his neighbour.

‘It’s warm today.’ Gives him a big grin.

‘It’ll rain later on.’

‘The sun is shining.’

‘No, it’s cloudy.’

‘I can see the sun, shining, will get hot!’

‘No, it’s cold. It’ll rain later on.’

‘I can see the sun – ha ha.’

‘The sun’s over there trying to come out from behind them clouds.’

‘It is bright – ha ha… I’m joking. Is a joke.’ The walrus grunts and turns away, annoyed. ‘You have to laugh: life.’

Edinburgh Festival Fringe

Shove the bacon buttie in my face and absorb it instantly.

Things I will not miss about the Fringe are: the wet drips which fall from the grim underside of that bridge in Cowgate, the stairs (that are everywhere), and flyers.

Hungover days and the restless nights that come with drinking too much, and then the Scottish fried goods and the endless walking over from New to Old parts of town. It never stopped not even in the downpours or in the early morning, stuff just kept going on.

Lurching down steep steps, which I’d only just clambered up half an hour ago to collect some pants I’d left in the print storage room (spare pants - because I’m always prepared - or because I forgot that I’d left my pants in a back room of a venue and thought before catching the train “outta here” that I should probably collect them).

Sweating. Ski jacket. Prepared for all-weather but not for all this weather meaning the sunshine we’ve been getting. In Scotland? I know right.

But the upside of all this traipsing by a banister is, or, were the shows. I managed to see a heck of a lot of good shows. So here’s some I remember the most jotted down for you:

Le Gateau Chcocolat who is a big black beautiful opera singer told an achingly honest tale of a young man who grapples with depression, being gay and being black. The lighting design was the lighting design to beat all others. His voice is ridiculously amazing.

The show which dedicated it’s heart and soul to the artist and wife of Beatle, Yoko Ono, titled appropriately Oh No! by Jamie Wood was brimming with creative nurture. The most enticing bit was when Jamie curated some Bagism on stage and invited a member of the audience to get in a bag with him and get completely naked. The minutes of silence that ensued after this innocent plea was met with awkwardness until a fly lad of 23 got up, crossed the stage and entered the bag/blanket with him; they both followed to get completely butt-naked beneath the sheet and then continued to talk about whether said young lad had ever fallen in love before, and what it means to love a person. Performance art + comedy = happy fun.

LetLuce in Sea Men (A Naval Tale) was a hilarious and sometimes trippy ride in to the world of two clown-character comics who’s unfurling narrative about a fish who wants to go clubbing on River Island and a pirate captain who wants to drink the Potion of the Ocean (said in an elongated Brummie accent) was just the bomb. The nuts. Mighty Boosh would have taken their hats off to the pair.

The stand-up that I enjoyed the most was Liam Williams with his second stand-up hour: Bonfire Night. A pretty neat and of course, damnably clever hour to follow up his last show (Capitalism). Lots of self-hating and millennial naval-gazing, you just have to laugh or else you’d cry.


They’re my picks and in hindsight, I did have a good time and managed to tone my arse from all the stairs and got a surprising tan out of the outdoor flyering ordeal so, all’s well that ends well. 

Honesty In A Post Break Up Scene (To Comic Effect)

CHARACTERS

MOTHER, a tiny woman with a delicate frame. A first generation immigrant who has not grasped the verbosity of the English language. Well-meaning and simple.

GIRL, a 25 year old female looking for a cause.

GRANDMOTHER, a gentle forgiving and tough old bird, aged 79.

FRIEND, a giver of sound advice. A strong souled worthy listener, aged 25.

SCENE 1 (DINING ROOM)

MOTHER: But he picked you up on the train. He asked for your number (then you gave). And now he leaves you, it’s good. It’s his decision.

GIRL: How is this good?

MOTHER: Because he made all the decisions. It is harder for him. He picked you and now he leaves you.

GIRL: Ok, you’ve made that clear. What about me though? I don’t feel good.

beat

MOTHER: You said you had nothing in common.

GIRL: (Yes) We were coming at things from different angles.

MOTHER: So you were not the same. He saved you from a lot of pain by cutting you now. And he left you so it is good. It was his decision.

GIRL: Right, thanks for clarifying.

MOTHER: He feels bad about you more. And you were not common.

SCENE 2 (BEDROOM)

Mobile phone rings (Lovesong riff by The Cure)

GRANDMOTHER: How are you darling? We haven’t heard from you in ages, is everything ok?

GIRL: (Hungover) Yes… sorry haven’t called… all fine.

GRANDMOTHER: Were you out late last night?

GIRL: No. I just got drunk at home in my bedroom.

GRANDMOTHER: Oh. With your housemates – Peter and Elizabeth is it?

GIRL: His name’s Elijah. No. I just drank wine on my own in my bed whilst watching illegal online films.

GRANDMOTHER: Illegal?!

GIRL: Don’t be concerned. Everyone does it though I’m not proud of it I just thought I should tell you.

GRANDMOTHER: Why were you watching bad films alone with wine?

GIRL: It was ‘Good Will Hunting’ and I was watching it because it’s supposed to be good.

GRANDMOTHER: Oh I see, I don't know these new films.

GIRL: And I was drinking wine alone at home because I didn’t really want to think about life.

GRANDMOTHER: Oh.

GIRL: Don’t be concerned I’m not feeling suicidal, I just felt really apathetic about it all and melancholic so I just wanted to drink until I had to fall asleep. You know?

GRANDMOTHER: No, I can't say I do know. Did anything happen to provoke…

GIRL: My boyfriend left me. Or, he wasn’t my boyfriend but something like that happened so I feel a little heartachey at the moment which is why I drank and now I have a hangover. Does that all make sense granny?

GRANDMOTHER: Yes dear. You’ll be alright. Youth is tough it’s a tough time out there.

SCENE 3 (PUB)

FRIEND: Have you been crying?

GIRL: No.

FRIEND: Are you sure you look like you’ve been crying. Is everything ok?

GIRL: I told you I’ve not been crying so why are you asking me that dickhead?

FRIEND: Because your eyes are all puffy and you’ve got make-up smudged around your face.

beat

GIRL: What if I were to tell you I’m not wearing any make-up.

FRIEND: That’s a lie.

GIRL: My eyes were itchy. And I just had a moment that’s all.

FRIEND: Allergy?

GIRL: From life maybe.