Two Old Men on the Bus

I ran to catch the bus with a suitcase, scraping it on the automatic doors as they swung shut on me. The bus driver looked non-plussed.

An old man is sat by the window in the priority seat, looking out. Heavy-set in a khaki utility jacket, with a fake Royal Air Force patch sewn on to the arm. Headphones in, thick optical glasses, hairy jowls and a drooping face, like a walrus.

The bus pulls in.

A new old man boards the bus. He looks like a thumb, the end of a starfish. Wide smile and making conversation with the driver, unsuccessfully. He sits by the walrus, who takes no notice of him. This new old man’s face is round and soft from all the dopey warmth he emits. He wears a flat-cap, which he doffs and places on his lap.

‘Is warm today.’

‘What?’ The jowly old man pulls out his earphones and glances at his neighbour.

‘It’s warm today.’ Gives him a big grin.

‘It’ll rain later on.’

‘The sun is shining.’

‘No, it’s cloudy.’

‘I can see the sun, shining, will get hot!’

‘No, it’s cold. It’ll rain later on.’

‘I can see the sun – ha ha.’

‘The sun’s over there trying to come out from behind them clouds.’

‘It is bright – ha ha… I’m joking. Is a joke.’ The walrus grunts and turns away, annoyed. ‘You have to laugh: life.’

Honesty In A Post Break Up Scene (To Comic Effect)

CHARACTERS

MOTHER, a tiny woman with a delicate frame. A first generation immigrant who has not grasped the verbosity of the English language. Well-meaning and simple.

GIRL, a 25 year old female looking for a cause.

GRANDMOTHER, a gentle forgiving and tough old bird, aged 79.

FRIEND, a giver of sound advice. A strong souled worthy listener, aged 25.

SCENE 1 (DINING ROOM)

MOTHER: But he picked you up on the train. He asked for your number (then you gave). And now he leaves you, it’s good. It’s his decision.

GIRL: How is this good?

MOTHER: Because he made all the decisions. It is harder for him. He picked you and now he leaves you.

GIRL: Ok, you’ve made that clear. What about me though? I don’t feel good.

beat

MOTHER: You said you had nothing in common.

GIRL: (Yes) We were coming at things from different angles.

MOTHER: So you were not the same. He saved you from a lot of pain by cutting you now. And he left you so it is good. It was his decision.

GIRL: Right, thanks for clarifying.

MOTHER: He feels bad about you more. And you were not common.

SCENE 2 (BEDROOM)

Mobile phone rings (Lovesong riff by The Cure)

GRANDMOTHER: How are you darling? We haven’t heard from you in ages, is everything ok?

GIRL: (Hungover) Yes… sorry haven’t called… all fine.

GRANDMOTHER: Were you out late last night?

GIRL: No. I just got drunk at home in my bedroom.

GRANDMOTHER: Oh. With your housemates – Peter and Elizabeth is it?

GIRL: His name’s Elijah. No. I just drank wine on my own in my bed whilst watching illegal online films.

GRANDMOTHER: Illegal?!

GIRL: Don’t be concerned. Everyone does it though I’m not proud of it I just thought I should tell you.

GRANDMOTHER: Why were you watching bad films alone with wine?

GIRL: It was ‘Good Will Hunting’ and I was watching it because it’s supposed to be good.

GRANDMOTHER: Oh I see, I don't know these new films.

GIRL: And I was drinking wine alone at home because I didn’t really want to think about life.

GRANDMOTHER: Oh.

GIRL: Don’t be concerned I’m not feeling suicidal, I just felt really apathetic about it all and melancholic so I just wanted to drink until I had to fall asleep. You know?

GRANDMOTHER: No, I can't say I do know. Did anything happen to provoke…

GIRL: My boyfriend left me. Or, he wasn’t my boyfriend but something like that happened so I feel a little heartachey at the moment which is why I drank and now I have a hangover. Does that all make sense granny?

GRANDMOTHER: Yes dear. You’ll be alright. Youth is tough it’s a tough time out there.

SCENE 3 (PUB)

FRIEND: Have you been crying?

GIRL: No.

FRIEND: Are you sure you look like you’ve been crying. Is everything ok?

GIRL: I told you I’ve not been crying so why are you asking me that dickhead?

FRIEND: Because your eyes are all puffy and you’ve got make-up smudged around your face.

beat

GIRL: What if I were to tell you I’m not wearing any make-up.

FRIEND: That’s a lie.

GIRL: My eyes were itchy. And I just had a moment that’s all.

FRIEND: Allergy?

GIRL: From life maybe.

A Butcher's

What is this?

A Saturday night and a good friend Bo leads the merry folk to a pub, The Jolly Butchers, incase you were wondering and it’s the run up to Christmas. 

To be hung on display.

It dawns on her with pint in hand and swift looks around the room that she had never been part of the meat-market, the free for all. Maybe it’s because it’s the run up to Christmas that there were more brash jumpers in the room being fashioned by boyish faced men with beards who looked straight past people and made you feel self-conscious.

Rumps look delicious.

His ego bristles as he scours the room to find new challengers, acquaintances and hot totty. A minute ago he’d ordered a hot toddy but the barman in faintly rolled-up sleeves said with a sneer,‘we don’t do that here mate’ and that was that, he got a real ale instead. Apart from the sensitivity he suffered about his height (he was shorter than the rest but only by a margin in some cases) he had the happy demeanour of an American, which bodes well for when talking to women. He was off chattering to flocks whilst in corners and tables others were left to brood.

A grim flash of the cleaver.

She caught sight of a reflection in the enormous strained mirrors hanging off the old-mauve walls. She caught sight of three men dotted around the room looking in her direction, at her with bared teeth and continual side-glances thinking she hadn’t noticed. She was in a white shirt with red lips on display and a shot of white pain fell her insides with each stare. Any pain was soon to dissipate as she lapsed back in to conversation, gulped down more beer, oh the haven of inane murmurings, to pretend not to have seen, not to have cared.

Chopping and the slicing and the gutting of the meal.

The two are next to each other by some chance push and shove of the people getting their drinks infront. She’s drunk and content to be surrounded by the squealers so long as she can carry on with her friends to the next pub and club, but he wants more of her smile and her hair in his life so turns and says, ‘can I get you a drink?’. She’s not going to refuse because he looks well put together with combed back hair like from the 1950s, and why not gorgeous, flaunt what god gave you. She tells him to come over to her flock and bring the pack along with him, the girls love a bit of attention, and he’s bitten off more than he can chew but what fun there is to be had in a meat-market.

Hang out the carcasses on the butcher's hook. 

Make sure t’clean the windows so the wives can get look.

First Job Last Day

Worker: So, where are you off to?

Me: Urm. Nowhere in particular.

Worker: Do you have your sights set on something?

Me: Well

Worker: Where are you going?

Worker: What are you going to do?

Me: I want to… I want to write. A writer. Is that alright? I’m just you know having a break - a change of scene.

(sassy woman; mid to late 40’s walks on and off stage)

Joanna: That’s right! You can only make a change during a gap.

(shouting after her)

Me: Are you sure Joanna?

Joanna: Oh my yes. You’ve got spirit, don’t you worry.

(she stares longingly after her presence)

Worker: So any plans? Of what you’re going to do now.

Me: Urrrm

Worker: What are you going to do with your first free Monday?

Me: Oh god.

(Goes to clear away her desk and shovels pens and headphones in to her rucksack)

Me: What am I going to do without structure?

Colleague: You’re doing the right thing.

Me: Am I?

Colleague: Yes. And sometimes hon it’s difficult to do the right thing.